this is my confession

Oh Usher...

So I'm not sure yet what my blog is going to look like as a whole. I try to write little stupid snippets, but that really isn't me. When I have blogged in the past, I normally share the things that are going on in my life. I'm not sure why that is my blog style, but that is just the way I roll.

I had to change some things with my blog so I actually started this 3 days ago, and I just reposted what I had already put.

I am actually glad I haven't shared this blog with anybody yet, and I'm not sure when/if I will.

Ahhhhhh......where to begin....or middle, I guess, since I have already started. Ok....where to middle....I feel so lost in my own skin right now. There are times where I find it so hard to communicate with other people. There are many reasons for this. Sometimes it is that I just don't have anything to say - completely nothing. I don't know if my brain is untypical or not, but there are times of total blankness.

Another reason is that sometimes I feel like people completely misread/misunderstand what I am trying to say. I feel this way a lot actually. Either I have been taught a different way to communicate and I just can't figure everybody else's way out or I really just need to learn what to say/what not to say. I have had people tell me lately that things I have said have not been nice when I haven't meant them that way at all. I sometimes awkwardly word sentences because I'm not the most well-spoken person. I have a hard time organizing thoughts in my head and making them form an understandable sentence.

I've realized that I'm really just not very funny either. A clever wit has just never been something that I add to the table. I may try, but it either ends up being something stupid or sounding mean. I really should stop making attempts at that.

My lack of linguistics has been out in the open lately, whether it is with people telling me that I'm being mean or that I've hurt their feelings or that what I said was stupid or that I can't formulate an understandable thought.

Right now, I don't really want to talk to anybody. I just want to sit in a group and be the one that just listens but says nothing.

I feel on the outside....the outside of friendships.....the outside of myself. The thing is that I don't think I know how to get back inside.