How do I have this much going on in my head?

It is so weird how my whole body can feel so much pain in anticipation for the things I think will happen. The last few days have been spent with an overwhelming sense of nervousness. Not just any type of nervousness but it's almost like fear/dread of the future. It affects my appetite...gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...makes me sweat more...and other not so fun things. I feel it when I'm alone and when I am surrounded by friends. I get so lost in it that when I am surrounded by friends I still feel so alone. I feel like an outsider in my world...and my heart hurts.

I have always felt like I am the type of personality that will stay until the very end of things. I think I have always known that I would be the last friend left in Longview, and that is becoming even more clear to me over the last few weeks. I will stay to the end. I will have as many experiences with my friends as possible until they all leave me. I will be here so they don't have to be the ones left alone. I have always known it. I have felt this pain every year since I graduated college...so at least 4 years in a row I have watched close friend after close friend walk out of my life in Longview. And it sucks...it hurts...it's hard.

I feel so dissatisfied with my life right now. I don't want to live with my parents anymore because my heart has grown negative towards them. I love them to death but the small space and me being home a lot and them worrying about me is annoying me. I hate that this is happening because I know that I am sinning everyday because of my heart towards them. I am not enjoying work. I don't see value in it anymore. The only good thing about it is that Emily is here....and times when she is not here I can really tell that I don't like it that much because my day sucks. I do still love my church, but bc of where I am right now I don't necessarily feel like I belong there.

I'm thinking that dissatisfaction with life though doesn't necessarily show though where a person is in their relationship with Christ. I wonder if you can still be dissatisfied with life and walking with Christ. Because I'm walking with Him more than I think I ever have in the past, but I still feel so dissatisfied. There are still days that I pray more than others, but I am praying everyday. This is new. I have read my Bible everyday since February 1st...mostly me waking up early to do it. God is still encouraging me through people, and I am able to see that and not be blinded by anything.

The problem is that this dissatisfaction keeps me inside of those things. I don't feel like I have the heart to do more. I don't believe that I can find ways to serve people because I don't see how it will be possible for me to serve with joy. I don't see how I could move from Longview because I don't believe I am capable of doing it on my own. I don't see how I can be around friends that don't know me extremely well because I don't think I can be a friend in return.

This morning part of my reading was from Psalm 39.

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.” We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.

I want to place all of my eggs into the hope of God basket. I want to only need to be satisfied in Him to be satisfied. I'm not there yet though, and I'm not sure how to do it. I guess just continue my pursuit of Him until whatever is keeping me from getting there surfaces, and I can get rid of it. I don't want situational satisfaction.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm ready for Jesus to return and take me home. Until that day though, I'm here for a purpose. He wants me here still. There is a plan for me. I am valuable to His plan. He has taken delight in me and wants to use me.

I'm just tired of screwing that up.

Habits

So I read somewhere that if you do something for 21 days straight then that something becomes a habit. Well I have read my Bible now for 21 days straight....hopefully a habit is what I have created.

Collecting her thoughts...

So below are thoughts that have run through my head post break-up. I have kept this post saved for about 2 1/2 weeks, and I have added different thoughts to it as I have had them. I know that God is not done trying to help me understand this situation, and I still don't feel like He has showed me that this is right...something I will continue to pray about. I really just wanted to have this progression of thoughts so that I can look back at and remember this time that has been sad and heartbreaking, but has also shown me more of the heart of Christ. I still have moments of sadness, but most moments are filled with joy. I do hope those joyful moments continue bc it hurts bad to walk in places other than that one. I do know that God makes those hard moments teachable if we allow them to be. He also allows them to be moments where we truly realize His love is enough all by itself. I think I will be able to admit this better when I've moved past this situation. Right now though, the wound is still so fresh, and I'm afraid that at any moment it will open back up and hurt again. I feel like it easily could.


My thoughts...


Your hands are no longer my hands to hold. Your knowledge is no longer mine to take in. Your words are no longer mine to listen to. And your heart is no longer mine to hold.


"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."


I have had many people embrace me, but your embrace is really the only one that can comfort me.


I hate life.


It's me....it has to be me. Why do you even love me God?


I have to stay away in order to heal.


I feel like I am suffocating. I want out of this body. Jesus, take me home.


My life is pretty easy, and when something hard comes along, I want to leave this earth. Come on...you can handle this.


Lord of the heavens...King of all days...Without You my world slips away...Redeemed by Your mercy...Consumed by Your grace...Now I live for You...I'm found in the arms of love...For Your love...It has saved my soul...I'll run to Your arms of love...Your light's gonna lead me home...At Your cross...I lay my burdens...At Your feet...Where Your love covers...All I've done...Now I walk with You Lord


I'll take the mountains when I can get them...even if I will crash into the valley again at some point.


I am sure that without the love and support that I have from some pretty amazing friends that I would not be moving at all. I don't even think I am capable of what they are capable of. I am one lucky girl bc of them.


How could I forget how much love You have for me when I am in this place once again?


Thinking of you less and thinking of Him more.


The effects of prayer truly amaze me...how am I even able to feel ok right now?


"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective."


Why are you running away? I should be running away.


Thank you Jesus that I did not cry today.


I'm scared of hurting but not being broken. Please don't let this time be useless...I want my heart to grow closer to Yours.


I miss you.


Oh here I stand...Arms open wide...Oh I am Yours...And You are mine...My whole life is Yours...I give it all...Surrendered to Your Name...And forever I will pray...Have Your way...Have Your way


I heart Hillsong music!


Jesus, don't let me forget what the pain feels like so that when I experience joy I will be so grateful.


I realize that I don't despise the sin in my life enough. I see it flippantly instead of with disdain. I need to confess more often.


He wants nothing to do with my sin, and He wants everything to do with me.


I think I distracted you. I'm sorry for that.


When one prays for people, I think it changes their view of them.


When I get a text message or an email, I still hope that it is you. I'll hopefully get past this one day.


On that day when I see...All that You have for me...When I see You face to face...There surrounded by Your grace...All my fear is swept away...In the light of your embrace...When Your love is all I need...And forever I am free...Where the streets are made of gold...In Your presence healed and whole...Let the songs of heaven rise to you alone...No weeping, no hurt or pain...No suffering You hold me now...You hold me now...No darkness no sick or lame...No hiding You hold me now...You hold me now.


My heart is evil. I wanted you to give your attention to me. I can't take that place. "Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely?"


Can the idea of prayer and the importance of it be blared at me anymore? It seriously has been everywhere over the past days! It is one of the things I struggle doing...but I am seeing results from my time in prayer lately. How did I ever try to rely on myself for results?


I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how capable I am at loving people. By myself, I don't think I have these capabilities. I am praying that God can give that to me or help me find it. I want to desire that everybody will one day have a relationship with God...and I think that desire for me has to come from love for them...even the "worst" of sinners.


"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."


I wanted to open up communication so I prayed and God said yes to that...so I texted you.


I like House, but I don't think I love House. I think I wanted to watch it all the time bc you liked it.


The reason I don't want to be in the same room with you is bc you look at me with these sad eyes like I am completely and totally struggling, but I'm not. It's so hard for me to want to talk to you about stuff.


I actually woke up and read my Bible before work everyday this past week. I can't remember the last time I did that. Also, I have consistently read my Bible the past 9 days in a row.


I really want to be your friend...and maybe that will happen one day. Right now I still want to be your girlfriend more. When that changes, then I think that one day will come.


Am I living the life that Jesus wants for me? I think I am so afraid of being held accountable and not living up to that accountability if I said that I don't think I am. Once we state the things we need to change in our lives, it can become both easier and harder because of the accountability we have to God...the people around us...and to ourselves.


I'm starting to fall in love with prayer. I think it connects you to the body of Christ in a way that seems like it would be impossible. I have been praying for a little girl that I don't even know who is struggling through cancer....a pregnant friend that just went to the doctor and he told her that he couldn't hear her baby's heartbeat...a girl that proclaims to be an atheist that I rarely talked to while in high school but I am friends with on facebook (and every status she puts on there seems to be something negative). I believe in the power of God...and what the effects of prayer are in my life. I believe that God can change all of these situations. I believe because I have seen amazing outcomes for things I have asked for in prayer before....and more specifically the past few weeks.