How do I have this much going on in my head?

It is so weird how my whole body can feel so much pain in anticipation for the things I think will happen. The last few days have been spent with an overwhelming sense of nervousness. Not just any type of nervousness but it's almost like fear/dread of the future. It affects my appetite...gives me a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach...makes me sweat more...and other not so fun things. I feel it when I'm alone and when I am surrounded by friends. I get so lost in it that when I am surrounded by friends I still feel so alone. I feel like an outsider in my world...and my heart hurts.

I have always felt like I am the type of personality that will stay until the very end of things. I think I have always known that I would be the last friend left in Longview, and that is becoming even more clear to me over the last few weeks. I will stay to the end. I will have as many experiences with my friends as possible until they all leave me. I will be here so they don't have to be the ones left alone. I have always known it. I have felt this pain every year since I graduated college...so at least 4 years in a row I have watched close friend after close friend walk out of my life in Longview. And it sucks...it hurts...it's hard.

I feel so dissatisfied with my life right now. I don't want to live with my parents anymore because my heart has grown negative towards them. I love them to death but the small space and me being home a lot and them worrying about me is annoying me. I hate that this is happening because I know that I am sinning everyday because of my heart towards them. I am not enjoying work. I don't see value in it anymore. The only good thing about it is that Emily is here....and times when she is not here I can really tell that I don't like it that much because my day sucks. I do still love my church, but bc of where I am right now I don't necessarily feel like I belong there.

I'm thinking that dissatisfaction with life though doesn't necessarily show though where a person is in their relationship with Christ. I wonder if you can still be dissatisfied with life and walking with Christ. Because I'm walking with Him more than I think I ever have in the past, but I still feel so dissatisfied. There are still days that I pray more than others, but I am praying everyday. This is new. I have read my Bible everyday since February 1st...mostly me waking up early to do it. God is still encouraging me through people, and I am able to see that and not be blinded by anything.

The problem is that this dissatisfaction keeps me inside of those things. I don't feel like I have the heart to do more. I don't believe that I can find ways to serve people because I don't see how it will be possible for me to serve with joy. I don't see how I could move from Longview because I don't believe I am capable of doing it on my own. I don't see how I can be around friends that don't know me extremely well because I don't think I can be a friend in return.

This morning part of my reading was from Psalm 39.

“Lord, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered—how fleeting my life is. You have made my life no longer than the width of my hand. My entire lifetime is just a moment to you; at best, each of us is but a breath.” We are merely moving shadows, and all our busy rushing ends in nothing. We heap up wealth, not knowing who will spend it. And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.

I want to place all of my eggs into the hope of God basket. I want to only need to be satisfied in Him to be satisfied. I'm not there yet though, and I'm not sure how to do it. I guess just continue my pursuit of Him until whatever is keeping me from getting there surfaces, and I can get rid of it. I don't want situational satisfaction.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. I'm ready for Jesus to return and take me home. Until that day though, I'm here for a purpose. He wants me here still. There is a plan for me. I am valuable to His plan. He has taken delight in me and wants to use me.

I'm just tired of screwing that up.