Undeserving

Amazing....the word to describe the past 5 days of my life. Emily, Ben, and I roadtripped to Florida for Rachel and Nick's wedding. The whole time we were there was just so special and it ended with one of the most beautiful, sweetest, fun weddings that I have ever been to.

One of those moments that I look back on after the fact and realize how good God is.

One of those moments that I see in the present and realize (once again) how undeserving I am.

I pretty much think of this constantly. I am realizing that I think of my life in two ways...in pursuit of Christ and not in pursuit of Christ. During both times, I am constantly reminded of how undeserving I am to have the things in my life that I do. I am completely blessed with amazing people to talk with, laugh with, hang out with, pray with, and just be me with. I have a job that although is not a dream job, I do enjoy because of the people that I get to be around. I have an amazing church that I am able to attend where the people truly love me. I have a family that cares for me and cares about me. I have friends that for some reason stick by me. Now I know that in both states I probably look at my undeservedness in different ways. When my relationship with God is sucking, I tend to wonder why these people would even want to care for me....why God would want to bless me when I'm not showing Him much love. When my relationship with God is growing and stretching, I tend to realize that He loves me and no matter my state He takes delight in loving me and caring for me in those ways.

So when I come back to Texas from a trip like this one....when I have an overwhelming bittersweet taste in my mouth (grateful to be back to the people I love here but sad to leave the ones I love all over the country)...when my heart is heavy because I have all of these emotions that I feel have no direction and have no understanding for their reason they are dwelling in my heart....when I want to be multiple places at one time...when my relationship with God is sucking and I have that 'I don't deserve good at all in my life' feeling....when I want to be with friends who are hurting but live in other states....when I want to be walking with Jesus closer than I am right now...

...I just want to be transparent. I want to share all of these emotions with people around me. I want the people in my life to know where I am struggling spiritually or even just struggling with emotionally/physically. I want to encourage and love the people in my life better. I want to pray for and with all of these people. I want to enjoy and drink in these blessings of friendship that I have with everybody in my life.

I love that God can connect us to one another just because of who He is.

I love that through His people that I can be given a deep desire to walk with God again.

I love that God never gives up on me.

I am undeserving. He is consistently good.