Self-Evaluation

So I am sitting in a room last night with a lot of people - most I know pretty well and a few that I don't know at all. Surprisingly, I wanted to share with the group all of those things that I do out of being self-conscious. See, the question was posed to our group last night of "who are you?" This question has always frightened me. I never know what the answer should be.

I can't attest for boys, but as a girl, I know that a lot struggle with the question of who we are. If we were honest with ourselves, I would say that a lot of girls have or have had an innacurate view of themselves at some point in their lives. I know that I still struggle with how I see myself.

Here are some of the things I wanted to admit to the group. My sarcasm is a used as a wall to protect me. I am sarcastic because I think it keeps people at a distance. This way I may seem mysterious or unable to be read, but the truth is that I don't want people to know who I really am. This is mainly because I don't feel like there is that much to really know. By keeping my distance, I am able to trick people into thinking there are a lot of layers to who I am, and I somehow become some sort of challenge to figure out. I also use a lot of sarcasm towards guys. Not that I have any guy that likes me now, but I am so fearful that somebody will that some times I can be intentionally sarcastic to try to let them know that I am definitely not interested in them. For some reason, whenever I find out that a guy likes me it totally freaks me out, and I am unable to be comfortable with that person (at least for some period of time). I hate that feeling of knowing somebody likes me and also knowing that I am not interested back. I feel like this horrible person that is going to crush that boy.....in reality, I know that isn't going to be the case.

The truth is that I wish I could just listen to the people around me and care for the people around me. I do not want to use sarcasm as a protection tool. I want to be able to be sensitive to the guys that are around me because even though I've always thought boys were tougher than girls, I know that the way I treat them could be hurtful. I want to allow people into my life. I want to be able to have a healthy view of myself.

In the future when I am asked this question, here is what I would like to be able to say truthfully. I am a sinner who has been saved from death by the grace of Jesus Christ. I am a person that loves to share that grace with other people. I love to meet new people and hear their stories. I am a person who loves to pray. I enjoy doing whatever I can for other people. I love missions and serving. I have a heart for seeing children raised up to serve God passionately. I love to honor God in whatever job that He has for me. I am loving, joyful, encouraging, compassionate, and blessed.

I'm sure I can easily keep adding to this list, but for now, that is my desire....and my way of holding myself accountable.