Matters of the Heart

My heart is completely overwhelmed. I don't think I have ever felt more emotions than I feel right now. I can't remember a time where I cried or wanted to cry more than I have in the last 3 weeks. I'm just having a really hard time with where I am in life.

Working at a college and having friends still in college makes me have to face graduation every year where different friends keep graduating and leaving. Every graduation since my own has been sad for me. As I am facing it this year, I am struggling more than I think I have in the past because I feel such a finality to things. I have become really close with two of my guy friends, and I'm so sad to see them leave. I feel like our friendship will never be as strong as it is now, and that is hard for me. Every day that I move closer to them leaving gets harder and harder for me.

Also, I feel like such a loser right now. I am living with my parents (who have given me a curfew....yes, at 25), and I am still living in my hometown. Just give me a computer and set me up to work in a basement all day, and I will fill out my loser role (no offense to computer people). I feel like I have so much unfulfilled potential that I just want to be able to use.

What stops me though is that I don't want to do it alone? I have always enjoyed teamwork more than working as an individual. I want somebody to venture out with. Lately though, I have felt like I don't deserve the type of guy that I want in a husband though. I feel like a one-trick pony that has very little to offer anybody. I know this stems from past relationships though...having been the one that the guy has always broken up with. In my head, my thoughts are that those people that have known me the best have decided that I am not good enough. When in actuality, I'm so thankful that those relationships did not work.

Then all of this leads me into frustration. I get so frustrated with the fact that I believe these lies that Satan feeds to me. I get so frustrated that I can't believe that God finds me beautiful. And it somehow just adds to all this junk that I am feeling.

Then I start to see a humbling process. As I share these hurts/fears/thoughts with friends, they always seem to encourage me. I cried a few weeks ago while talking to Rachel because I was just so humbled by the fact that I have friends that know me so well. Friends that care enough about me to seek out a relationship with me. Friends like Emily that tell me that she and Ben have been praying for me because they know how hard of a time I am having. Friends who want me to be open and honest with them even if I say and believe some screwy things about myself. Or friends like Chase - when I am lying in my bed thinking about how crappy I feel will text me just to say that he thinks I am an incredible woman....when he doesn't even know possibly that God knew that was what I needed.

Then I start to see the power of encouragement and loving on people. Like today, as I had the desire to encourage my sister and love her. As I typed out the words "just want you to know that i am proud to be your sister....the abilities that God has given you amaze me....and the fact that you use them to glorify God amazes me even more," the tears were just falling from my face in an overwhelming sense of the connection that human beings can share with another. The connection that is truly only possible through God.

Then, I see my sister allow me to share all of what is on my heart with her and having her encourage me back.....the cycle continues.

So wow....I have been crying a lot more in the last 3 weeks than I think I have in the last 3 years. Honestly, it feels good to cry. It feels good to feel broken. Hopefully now I can allow God to set the break right so that my heart will heal correctly.

On a side note...I have been watching a lot of House lately so maybe there is just something wrong with my brain that is setting off all of these emotions....I'm just saying.